Being a determined [aka stubborn…] person comes in handy in a lot of fields and circumstances. You need to have that determination because there are going to be plenty of people who try to tear you down, plenty of “no”s and “you can’t do it”s especially in a field as competitive and harsh as mine (entertainment industry). If you don’t have some sort of backbone, you will inevitably (and probably literally) fall apart and if you want to reach your goals (which you definitely can), than you can’t allow that to happen on your watch. If you deserve nothing less than respect and success, you should demand such respect and success and never back down for anything less.

But here’s the problem with having that determination/stubbornness ingrained into you… You cannot be stubborn and retract other people’s help and advice when you are recovering or fighting something. No matter how headstrong or hardworking you are, you will need other people’s insight to see the things that you are missing out on from the outside. Do not fight their help or insight if somewhere in you, you know there’s some truth to it. It does not make you any more independent or emotionally strong. All that you are fighting is that chance for your own happiness. Why the hell would you want to do that?!

I know the feeling. I know that there’s at least a part of me successfully fighting my depression & anxiety (in which I have been fighting for years). The loved ones who want to help you, they know you’re fighting too & just because they want to help with some tough love, does not mean they’re denying that you are trying. Being stubborn and thinking you know what you need to do to help yourself on your own is not going to “show it to the authority” or something. It does not make you weak or any less self-dependent accepting other people’s support. The only thing you’re trying to “show it” to is seriously the possibility of fully recovering and living the finally living the life you want.

Being headstrong can be a good thing, but it’s also why I’m unfortunately awake at four in the morning from pain because of a minor thyroid attack (with a slight fever from sinus infection on top of it) when I should be getting my beauty sleep. I hate to admit it because “I can handle everything on my own”, but I’m way off on my pill regimen schedule. Loved ones like my mother, grandmother, and roommate, Elle, have continually suggested I plan out a precise medication schedule along with putting them in a traveling pill box and setting alarms to make sure I take them on time. But nooo, I’ve “got this” and am so damn stubborn that I refused to admit that I really am so off on my schedule to the point of not even taking the most important pill of all, my hormone-replacement pill for my hypothyroidism, at all yesterday. I literally denied myself the hormones my body needs to fully function properly all because I refused to appear “weak”. Now who did I really end up hurting? Only myself.

Sometimes, the problems you’re facing really aren’t as simple and easy to be able to just “fix it” yourself within a day’s work. Sometimes you really do need other people’s support and guidance. It makes no sense to fight it. Plus, isn’t it nice to have other people show you that they truly love you and want to help and be there for you? I just want to scream at my stubborness, “Why do you want to fight against love and finally being healthy & able to live the life you’ve always wanted?!” Accepting the fact that you’ve made a mistake and that you’re not fully healed yet does not make you weak. You seeing yourself or letting people treat you as weak does. Admitting that you messed up does not erase all the hard internal work that you’ve done to make it better, it actually ends up strengthening it because in order to truly face something to be able to fix it, you first have to admit that it’s there at all. It does not mean you failed. You are not a failure… yet. You will be if you continue to fight other people’s help and refuse to accept new life lessons & that you have faults in your life because you’ll never be able to actually heal that way. Your journey is not over yet so in no way can you completely fail the goal of getting to the other side unless you don’t accept the wrongs in your life and attempt to turn them around each day at a time. You do actually have to accept help and help yourself to be able to reach that end goal though.

So here I am admitting that I have not fully tackled my depression and anxiety yet and that it will take me quite a long time to even be able to really maintain it. It will be a long journey, one that may not actually ever end if I’m being honest, but as long as I celebrate the small victories (such as finally facing these facts no matter how much I wish they were not true and I really could beat it all on my own) along the way, it will make it that much easier to enjoy my life as it is even before I get to the end goal.

It was that same stubborness that refused help from the medication itself (also because I’m extremely wary of anything that may not be natural in any way) when I actually really needed it since depression & anxiety are bodily illnesses (cough cough, whether society wants to accept that or not…). In September/October of this year, thanks to one of my awesome best friends, Ivey, I finally realized it did not make me weak to accept help from medication for the things my body could not provide just as you need to take antibiotics to help your body fight a sinus infection. All it made me to try to do it completely on my own when I had this support right in front of me all along, was stupid. All those months/years of feeling as better and more mentally stable/sane as I do now (or at least did before I screwed up my pill schedule). Now, I am doing the same by accepting the support of the people around me whom no matter how my stubborness fights their help, I truly love and appreciate for staying by my side and even trying to help me see & get past the mistakes I am making. I highly recommend you do the same. Not everyone gets to have such amazing people in their life who just want to love you and see you happy, so stop denying them and thus yourself, and accept their support while giving them yours.

xoxo, lizzie 🙂