It’s true, I essentially don’t even have enough hours in a day to be able to do any of the things that I have planned (literally, I didn’t even know that was possible but I could use like 30 hours in a day rather than 24 lately) so why am I using some of that time to write this? My mind is doing that thing where I have too many thoughts soaring through it to even be able to complete anything (as it often does) so naturally, I must write some of those thoughts down or I may just explode. Also, I was inspired by someone else’s wandering thoughts. Plus, I could really use the illusion that somebody is listening to what I have to say rather than walking right over me (I’ll save that rant for another time though).

So, I’m just gonna put it out there: I’m pretty damn sick and tired of a few things. I’m typically one of the nicest, optimistic, most hard working people you will most likely ever meet. It even makes me feel guilty and conceited saying that even if it’s the truth. Does that make me a saint? Oh, heck no! But it’s okay for me to realize that I’m not a terrible person and I’m pretty proud of the mindset I usually hold for some of the cards I’m dealt with. Yes, I am more than aware that I don’t have it that bad compared to other situations and believe me, I’d give an arm and a leg to those who need it if I could. I’m constantly trying to figure out how to help other people before myself, but that’s kind of been the problem lately.

I’ve expressed this a lot since my freshman year of high school because I believe so passionately in it and it’s what essentially holds back so many “shy” men and women like I’ve always been my whole life. The “self-conscious”, I guess you could say. But are we all really self-conscious? No. Even if we were, does that give you a reason to belittle or pity us? Absolutely not. As I’ve gotten older and become slightly more victorious with this constant battle of mine and thus more outgoing (or at least I may seem more outgoing), I too have fallen victim to not giving full respect and maybe even pity to those who appear to not be respecting themselves but I will admit, it’s wrong and is doing no one any good. Isn’t it kind of counteractive to judge someone who is clearly judging themselves the most?! Save them the addition of even more pressure in their lives so they can use most of their energy on facing those demons holding them back rather than worrying what you may be thinking of them and thus confirming what they are negatively thinking about themselves.

Everyone has insecurities, some just hide or avoid them better than others. Those who hold way too much value on other peoples’ acceptance of themselves, like myself (my fault, as crazy as this sounds, is being too caring and thus caring for other people’s opinions before even my own way too often–which I acknowledge needs to stop), may not be able to accept themselves because of living in the shadow of society. Think about it: me saying that I have a kind heart is enough to be taken as conceited but me saying that I have a flaw is automatically self-conscious and both are looked down upon. Is there ever a happy medium? No. That’s why you have to trash what other people think about you or your work and focus primarily on satisfying yourself and being proud of your accomplishments whether other people see them or not. Because a) life is so much better when you just don’t care [and easier, then you’re not late to things because you’re make sure you’re looking your best when in reality, even that might not be enough for other people] and b) there’s only one you and you’re stuck with it so why don’t you make life a whole of a lot more enjoyable and love yourself or figure out what you need to do to be able to love yourself?

But this post wasn’t to instruct self-conscious people why it’s not worth basing your happiness on unreachable expectations like human beings’ acceptance (it’s a topic I preach often anyway). This post was to highlight that appearances aren’t always what they seem so you shouldn’t assume something and treat someone accordingly [and not give them a chance] until you know their full story. For the greater good, just practice empathy and don’t think you can just look past those who seem “weak”. Often, the weakest are actually the strongest. You shouldn’t deem someone who seems to not have faith in themselves as not being able to be a “leader”. There can be multiple kinds of leaders just as there are multiple types of success. You just have to go out there and fight/encourage something before someone else. Mainly, you shouldn’t automatically deem anyone as anything which includes self-conscious.

Saying someone is self-conscious because of physical traits such as body language is so incorrect. Psychologically, can self-consciousness affect your movements and actions physically? Yes, but that doesn’t mean all of those who fidget or don’t stand up tall don’t believe in or “like” themselves. Nothing can determine that except for their own selves and whether they in fact do or do not believe/”like” themselves. When I start to stutter or even shake/twitch and constantly explain myself, it doesn’t mean that I don’t see worth in myself. What you may not know is that I have anxiety that is in relation to my thyroid dysfunctions and/or the autoimmune system disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, that I have had for possibly most of my life. The irony with the physical signs of “insecurity” is that I do see worth in myself (I feel blessed to have the caring and creative soul that I have even if it does sometimes get me into trouble and makes me extremely frustrated with myself), but sometimes if it is a sign of an insecurity I have it may just be seeming conceited if I don’t act self-conscious and that is just crazy. Pleasing society is so not worth all of that added stress in your life. It’s literally a waste of the precious time that we as humans have so little of. That’s why not caring what people/society thinks at all and not taking life too seriously is the best solution.

But with anxiety, you may know that you don’t actually care but due to your fight-or-flight responses being messed up for who knows why, your body cares anyways and responds accordingly. And it holds you back from so much because your mind is literally fighting against the actions you really want to take and all the unnecessary stress and worrying is not good for your health in any way. [Sidenote: I really advise you to research physical anxiety, it is way more than just being nervous, and anxiety research and awareness along with helping anxiety victims is a cause I really feel passionate about & I’m currently pursuing ways to get more involved in it]

My point is: do not overlook people. They too have a voice worth hearing and if you’re not willing to hear them out, then you cannot put words in their mouths through your assumptions. I feel as if I’ve forever been invisible or on the sidelines because I’ve always been the nice, shy girl. Just because I keep to myself and put other people first means that I shouldn’t be held as important or heard too? Really? And it’s not just me. I see that happening to so many other people who don’t demand attention on themselves constantly. Think about what that means about the people that we do constantly hold as important and listen to their every word. Sometimes I just want to scream, “Hello! I have valuable thoughts and ideas too! Please don’t leave me in the dark thinking I’m too ‘fragile’ or something!” Just because I don’t show my strength or confidence every minute of the day doesn’t mean that I don’t have it. Do you wear every single piece of jewelry in your collection 24/7? No, but you still own them, work hard for them, and probably deeply value them anyways. You just pick and choose which one to showcase and when according to the situation/event and the desired effect (much like how filmmaking and art works). Honestly, that’s kind of the smarter thing to do so I don’t understand why so many people overlook those who do so. I of course believe that both quiet and bold people are valuable, but too many people don’t take the effort to seek the value beyond those who present it themselves. And I get it, the squeaky wheel gets the oil but maybe it didn’t have to be that way if more people took the time to truly hear out and try to understand everyone, even those who are want others to be heard before themselves or are too in their own heads to present their cases, etc. Definitely go out there and listen to Nike’s motto and “Just Do It” but the problem is that it’s not always that easy for people with demons like anxiety delaying their progress. I do believe they [including myself] can fight them, but it takes more time than others would to get there so you might as well listen to them now rather than wait until they have their acts completely together. They’re just as valuable now as they would be later on and plus, we’re humans. Flawed creatures. Let’s be honest, we’ll never completely have our acts together. Not even the people who appear like they do.

The other day, I was talking to a friend about a situation in which I wasn’t straight up with another friends that I didn’t feel like I belonged in her organization to spare her feelings and thus the process turned on me leaving me hurting. “I’m just too nice,” I sighed in exasperation and then my friend started laughing. You definitely don’t always hear that statement in that kind of tone. She responded, “I’m laughing because it’s so true.” That’s when it fully hit me that even good traits (traits that I still feel so blessed to have and would not trade for anything in the world) can have negative effects as well. As a mentor told me earlier in the year, sometimes you have to be selfish and take care of yourself before you can be selfless and put your full potential into someone else or a cause. I just find it deeply saddening that in this society, you might just have to give up being “nice” in order to be heard.

Since that breaks my heart too much and I think it’s physically impossible for me to do, I choose to have hope in humanity and fight to be heard just as I already am instead of changing for an effect. I will show that even the silent can be loud. That’s exactly how film messages work and I will most likely use one of my future films’ messages to express just that.

xoxo, lizzie